Did you know that Wonder makes a variety of bread called “Whole Grain White Bread?”  What on earth does that mean?  Isn’t “Whole Grain White” sort of an oxymoron?   I went to their website and they actually have the gall to put in print, “White bread can be an important part of a balanced diet. We fortify many of our white breads with essential vitamins and minerals, so they’re as nutritious as they are delicious.”  Are they serious?

Breads are fortified and enriched because food manufacturers destroy much of the nutrition through processing.  So why process a food? Processing adds value and increases revenue.  A food manufacturer’s goal is to start with cheap inputs and add enough value to sufficiently mark up the price and maximize profit.  That’s why high fructose corn syrup is now more widely used in processed foods than sucrose; it’s cheaper.

The US government requires that food manufacturers enrich processed carbohydrates with some lost nutrients, because deficiencies were noted in the general population at one point or another.  Enriching breads with folic acid in response to an increase in the incidence of neural tube birth defects comes to mind.  Food manufacturers may chose to further fortify a food product, why? You guessed it, because adding nutrients “adds value” and allows them to raise the price.  Enriching and fortifying processed foods with nutrients is surely better than leaving them without; however, food producers could not hope to replace everything that is lost in processing.  In other words, leave the Wonder Whole Grain White Bread on the shelf.

Processing can do some pretty nasty things.  Especially when it comes to unsaturated fats.  Excessive heat turns them from components of a healthy diet into deadly substances.  I’m of course referring to trans fat, which is the result of adding hydrogen to vegetable oils.  Hydrogenated oils (aka trans fats) have been linked to both increases in cholesterol and heart disease.  As a result of all the negative press surrounding trans fat, many margarine producers found ways to remove it from their food products.  But not all heeded the call, as I became painfully aware on my trip to the grocery store.

I first heard of Benecol when a client was using it in place of butter.  After he recounted some of the ingredients during one of our sessions, I advised him that butter with all its saturated fat was probably a better choice.  Margarine spreads are usually not that healthy.  Even if they are free of trans fatty acids, they are generally horribly processed.  Benecol is no exception, as it comes with a laundry list of confusing ingredients.

In addition, it is marketed as a vegetable oil spread with “No Trans Fatty Acids,” however; the spread contains partially hydrogenated soybean oil.  Any kind of hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated oil is synonymous with trans fat.  The makers of Benecol are of course allowed to get away with this because if an ingredient comprises less than half a gram per serving, then they can list it as zero.  Isn’t food marketing wonderful?

My research was for a video on label reading; as I write this post, the video is nearing completion.   You almost need a Ph.D. to navigate the grocery aisles these days.  My goal in making the video, was to demystify some of the more confusing grocery items for the average shopper.  Be sure to look for it on the Resources page of my website.

There’s some background here.  First spirulina is a superfood, which simply put means a highly nutritious food.  It is a type of algae and has the highest protein concentration of any whole food on the planet.  Spirulina is also a good source of chlorophyll and GLA (an anti-inflammatory essential fatty acid). It can be bought in either powdered or capsule form.   At first, my idea was to add it to my morning smoothie as a protein source.  Keep in mind that spirulina is green, very very green.

But that didn’t stop me; my plan was to add raw cacao nibs and peppermint leaves to make a “mint chocolate chip” type smoothie.  I thought that way the green color wouldn’t bother me.  It really didn’t work.  It had a slight taste, just enough so that my mint chocolate chip recipe wasn’t even slightly convincing.  Spirulina is a very dark green and it kind of takes over whatever you put it in.  At one point, I tried to mix it with a powdered vitamin supplement; it was like the Swamp Thing had crept into my cup.

So I gave up.  The bottle has been sitting in my cabinet ever since.  Fast-forward to a couple of weeks ago, I was making Creamy Asparagus Soup with Dill from Feeding the Whole Family, by Cynthia Lair.  I modified the recipe a bit; I added a teaspoon of turmeric and I didn’t use the bay leaf simply because I didn’t have one.  And then, I got an amazing idea.  The soup was already green, so why not just add the spirulina!  At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.  It turned the pale green soup into a very deep green, and I only used a heaping teaspoon!  However, I have made the soup since without the spirulina and I actually liked it better with it.  It really added something!  So, I am including the recipe below with my additions, if you would like to try it at home.

Creamy Asparagus Soup with Dill

Prep time: 25 minutes

Makes 6 Servings

2 tablespoons grass fed butter or extra-virgin olive oil

1 onion, chopped

1 rib celery, chopped

1 teaspoon ground cumin

1 tablespoon fresh snipped dill or 1 teaspoon dried

1 bunch asparagus, washed and trimmed, and cut into 2 inch pieces

2 cups vegetable or chicken stock

2 to 3 cups of water

1 bay leaf

½ cup rolled oats

1 teaspoon sea salt

Freshly squeezed lemon juice

1 teaspoon turmeric

1 heaping teaspoon spirulia.

Heat butter/oil in a 4 quart pot.  Add onion, celery, cumin, and dill and sauté until vegetables are soft.  Add asparagus and sauté a few more minutes.  Add stock, water, bay leaf, oats, and salt.  Bring to a boil. Simmer 15 minutes.

Let cool.  Transfer to a blender and add lemon juice, spirulina, and turmeric.  Puree in small batches or use an immersion blender to puree.

*  I made it with broccoli instead of asparagus last week.  It was yummy this way too.

Think about it, two “vitamin chests,” which held nine different types of vitamins each, so that was 18 different supplements every single day.   When I was in my teens my mother also recommended that I take Citrucel for my IBS, which I did up and until about one year ago.  However, I never really thought that the fiber powder did much.  I continued to take it because it served as lubrication to choke down the copious amounts of vitamins, minerals, and herbal supplements built into my morning breakfast routine.

Attending the Institute for Integrative Nutrition caused and allowed me to take a critical look at my “healthy” habits, supplementation being one of them.  There is a school of thought that isolated vitamin supplements may not do what we expect.  Some studies suggest that that the benefit of nutrients in whole foods is really derived from synergies between nutrients rather than a single nutrient.  To take it a step further, there is evidence that certain isolated vitamins may actually do harm; beta-carotene is an example.  It was once studied and supplemented for its anti-oxidant qualities but has since been shown to increase cancer risk in certain situations.[1] Oops!

During the spring 2009 I decided to stop taking all supplements to see if I would fall apart.  I didn’t quit cold turkey.  First I stopped taking what I considered to be the extraneous supplements, the vitamins and minerals that I suspected might not be doing too much for me but I continued to take simply out of habit.   By May I had whittled down the once exhaustive list to glucosamine and cranberry; these were the two supplements I was sure were doing something for me, but for the purpose of my little experiment I gave them up too.  By the summer I was on the supplement wagon – or off of it, I guess.

During the summer I got into eating a lot of raw foods, and I felt fantastic.  I was a believer.  Whole foods, not supplements!  However, my newfound dogma was put to the test in early fall.  I got sick.  I never get sick, never.  And then I got sick again about two weeks later.  And finally I came down with the same illness yet again in early December.  What gives? My knees also started clicking again roughly 6 months after I stopped taking glucosamine.

Ok, so maybe I was a little hasty.  Research studies and clinical tests and trials are great, but the truth really lies in each individual’s specific experience.  The only difference for me between the fall of 2009 and the fall of 2008 along with the 7 or so that came before it, was the supplements.  So I must conclude that the supplements were contributing at least in part to my robust immune system.  Did I need to take 18 a day?  Probably not.  But I have started taking a few again, and I am researching specific supplements and supplement companies.  It’s tricky because I do agree that taking isolated vitamin supplements may not be the best idea.  It is perfectly conceivable to me that nutrition scientists, as intelligent as they may be, don’t necessarily know which nutrient in a particular food, let’s say a carrot, is providing the desired benefit.  As I mentioned previously, it’s not the beta-carotene.

I think that what may be useful is supplementing with condensed whole foods.  One argument for taking supplements is that our soil is depleted as a result of conventional farming methods (i.e. conventional farms do not rotate crops and this practice depletes the soil) And yet another argument in favor of supplementation states that most people do not get the recommended servings of fruits and veggies per day and are therefore not getting the necessary amounts of nutrients derived from those foods.  I concede on both accounts.   As I mentioned above, the other side says that we cannot replicate the benefit of whole foods in supplements either because we incorrectly assign benefit to or we are unaware of a particular nutrient.  Granted.  So perhaps the answer is to supplement with a condensed “greens” or “fruit” based powder.  That would not take the place of eating kale, collards, broccoli melons, etc., but it may serve as complement to an already healthy diet full of whole foods.

Theoretically, the condensed powders would offer a concentrated dose of vitamins, minerals, and phytonutrients without the problems associated with isolated supplements.

For now, it’s just a thought.

My digestion was a little off.  It started slowly and had been getting progressively worse; however, I left this piece of information off the form.  Her methods were alternative to say the least, and I wanted to see what she would come up with, if I didn’t give her a starting point.  Under current ailments, I put “none;” however, where it asked for a list of supplements and medications, I answered truthfully, “birth control.”

When the doctor read birth control on my form she immediately went into lecture mode.  Now, I know that birth control isn’t the best thing in the world to be taking; however, like most things in life I am making what I see as the best choice between two undesirables.  Birth control has been linked to an increased risk for breast cancer, and I have a family history of breast cancer; both grandmothers had the disease and my father’s mother had it in both breasts.  Strike one for birth control. However, I am not ready to start a family, and that being the case, I see birth control as a necessary evil.

What I didn’t know, but had begun to suspect over the previous couple of weeks, was that birth control also disrupts intestinal flora.  The doctor confirmed my suspicion and noted that she detected some dysfunction in my digestive system, despite the fact that I had not told her about my recent tummy trouble.  I had begun to wonder if birth control could be the culprit behind my troubled digestion because it’s onset and worsening coincided with a switch I made to a new pill back in mid-August.   I began using a form of birth control that allowed the user to reduce their periods from 12 down to 4 times per year.  Great, right?  I mean who really wants to get their period?  Initially, I saw it as a god send; however, I did begin to think it was a little strange that my digestion, which had been perfect for months, began to slip roughly two weeks after I started to take the pill and had become progressively worse over the past 2-3 months.

The doctor and some Internet research after I returned home that day confirmed my supposition; the pill disrupts the balance of bacteria in our digestive tract.  So what now?  As I was leaving the doctor’s office, I was very upset.  I had chosen to ignore up until now the link between breast cancer and birth control, and my digestion was becoming more cumbersome by the day.  My first reaction usually tends to be one of overreaction, especially where my health is concerned.  I am very cognizant of making good choices with respect to food, exercise, self-care, etc. and the possibility that I could be doing something to negate it all was very alarming.

I was beginning to come to the conclusion that I should go off the pill.  There are other options.  I could get a kit that would tell me when I was ovulating and abstain during those times, my husband and I could start using condoms again (which I am unfortunately allergic to, but perhaps I could find a less irritating brand), and there was always spermicidal inserts or diaphragms.  The unfortunate truth is that none of these methods, save maybe condoms, are nearly as effective as oral contraception.

Later in the day, I had a conversation with my husband, which didn’t go over so well.  I don’t think that he initially understood the implications of what I was talking about.  From his perspective, birth control gave us piece of mind, case closed.  He was blissfully unaware of the side effects and the impact that my birth control was currently having on my life.  After I communicated my concerns both immediate and long-term, he conceded that I should do whatever I thought was best.

I really thought about it.  I really thought about going off the pill and trying a different method.  And then I really thought about the implications if that different method failed.  The conclusion I ultimately came to was, that the emotional stress associated with having a child before I am ready and the resulting impact on my health far outweighed the modest increase in breast cancer risk.

My digestion was another matter entirely.  I needed to find a solution.  I have no room in my life for constipation or constant stomach aches.  From my research, it seems that the higher the dose of hormones in the pill, the more likely it is to disrupt the natural functioning of one’s body.  The pill I was taking was low-dose, but for some reason, it didn’t agree with me.  So I have since switched to a different low dose form of oral contraception.

I’ve also been using several alternative treatments to mitigate the effects of the birth control and get my digestion back on track.  Before leaving her office, the doctor recommended a probiotic, which I am now taking.  Probiotics contain the friendly bacteria that naturally occurs in our digestive tract.  The formulation that she gave me contains three strains of bacteria.  The most well known, lactobacillus acidophilus, can be found in many types of yogurt containing live active cultures.  I cannot eat yogurt because dairy, milk and yogurt in particular give me migraines, but yogurt would be a good source of the lactobacillus acidophilus bacteria for someone who can handle dairy.  The supplement also contains, bifidobacterium bifidum, and lactobacillus bulgaricus.  It really seems to be helping.

I also visited an acupuncturist sometime before I went to see the Ayurvedic doctor.  I went to see him because my immune system was not functioning properly.  I’m very interested in exploring alternative methods, as I feel our current medical system is a failure.  I don’t think I’m alone.  Also, the more I read about isolated vitamin supplements, the more it seems that these may not be the most healthful alternatives either.  I like both Ayurveda and Chinese medicine because both seem to focus on living life as close to the way nature intended as possible.  What I thought was so interesting, was that both practitioners noticed the same imbalance in me, completely independent of one another.

Even though, I am cold all of the time, my liver is producing too much heat, which is causing inflammation in my body.  In addition, my digestion is upset and that is linked to a suppressed immune system, which explains the two successive colds I came down with in late-September / early-October.  The acupuncturist recommended some Chinese herbs, which I am also taking in the form of a tea.

Something is working.  My stomach has not hurt recently and I am regular again.  Thank goodness.

When I was 7 years old, my father asked me what religion I wanted to be.  I ultimately chose a religion that was different from what he practiced.  This event sticks out very distinctly in my mind because it was an introduction to the contrast I am referring to.  We can all be completely different in how we eat, what we eat, our exercise level, how we live, whatever.  The important thing will always be that it works for us.  Period.

That is why I’m not a big fan of diets and “systems.”  They very rarely take the individual into account.  Anytime, I hear that someone is practicing a particular diet and it’s really working for them, I think, “Great!  That person has found the answer to what they need to be healthy.”  The problem is that many times that same well-meaning person wants to get everyone else on board to do what he or she is doing.  I think the single most important thing that I took from my education at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, was that just because I have chosen to live my life a certain way does not mean that I should try to force that way onto my clients or anyone else, for that matter.  And it’s a good thing too because my concept of what is healthy is constantly changing.  My clients would be a pretty confused bunch, if I tried to get them to follow every new food or diet that I experimented with.

For instance, over the summer, I ate a lot of raw foods and very little meat.  And it really agreed with me.  It was summer; the days were hot and all my body wanted was simply prepared, cooling foods.  Now?  No way.  Now, my body wants cooked foods and a lot more animal protein.  So from my experience it even seems that foods change for the person depending on season, time of day, age, etc.  That’s why developing your body’s intuition is so important.  It allows you to no longer be at the mercy of diet books and gurus claiming that they hold the key to what will make you healthy.  It’s all inside, and that is what I help my clients to discover.

Recently, I went to sit in for a day with the Ayurvedic doctor and she said two things about nutrition that I found quite troubling.  First, many of the recipes that she recommended contained barley, which begged the question, “what do your gluten intolerant patients do?”  She didn’t address the epidemic of gluten sensitivity at all during our meeting.  She also repeatedly purported the health benefits of dairy.  Why? Well think about it.  Ayurveda has its roots in India.  And dairy foods like yogurt and ghee play a big part in Indian diet and culture.  However, when you consider that we are the only animal that consumes another animal’s milk, that 75% of us lose the ability to digest lactose after the age of five[1], and many of us have symptoms such as skin rashes, excess mucous, and migraines (I am one of those people) as a result of dairy consumption, one would have to concede that milk may not be the best food for everyone to consume.  That being said, if you like dairy and it doesn’t bother you, go for it!

I wish I had had the opportunity to address my concerns with her, unfortunately we were with her patients for the rest of the time, and I didn’t think it appropriate to question her in front of them.  I should relate that she did seem to be doing a lot of good with the patients I observed.  One of them, an MS sufferer, was both medication and pain free and yet another, a young boy with autism, was developing far beyond his parent’s expectations as a result of his visits with this Ayurvedic doctor.

Most dietary theories have at least some validity.  And many of them will work for someone, but none will work for everyone, and many of them require some modification to fit into a particular person’s life.   I think the important thing to realize is that there is no one diet, no one-way of doing things, and no “magic bullet” that will work for everyone.

This past May, while attending the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, a raw chocolate maker came to speak to the student body and she gave us samples of her heavenly raw chocolate.  One of the girls from my class actually had it analyzed in a lab, and the technician told her that it was worth every penny of the $10 per ounce price tag.  Still, at that rate I would be going into debt trying to support my chocolate habit, so I decided that my only recourse was to make the chocolate on my own!

First I went to a little chocolate shop in Maple Shade, NJ to purchase a candy thermometer and some candy molds.  When the women behind the counter asked what I was going to do, I confidently replied that I was going to make my own chocolate.  I still remember her reply verbatim: “Good luck!  Come back here to buy chocolate once you are good and frustrated!”  Her warning was foreshadowing at it’s finest.  I obtained all of the necessary ingredients, or so I thought, from the Whole Foods near my house.

I chose a Friday afternoon for my first chocolate making attempt.  The recipe I found on the Internet said that all I needed was raw cacao (raw chocolate), raw coconut butter, sea salt, and agave syrup.  Simple enough!  My plan was to put a smaller pot with the raw cacao nibs inside a larger pot with water on the stove.  I would then put the candy thermometer in the water and would make sure that the temperature did not get above 118 degrees Fahrenheit.  Well I didn’t know this, and maybe you don’t know this either, but real chocolate, the beans, the nibs, whatever, they don’t melt!!!  Chocolate melts because of all of the other stuff that food producers add to it.  So here I was, with a pot of raw cacao nibs that refused to melt.  I ultimately got so frustrated that I didn’t care if the chocolate was raw anymore; I just wanted the damn things to melt!  So I put the nibs in a frying pan and turned the burner all the way up.  Nothing!  The whole house smelled like chocolate, but the nibs remained in their solid state, now burned, and sticking to the bottom of the frying pan.

Dejected, I returned to my computer to find out how my chocolate experiment went so wrong.  Apparently, the way to make raw chocolate is to grind the nibs into a fine powder, then mix the raw cacao powder with melted cacao or coconut butter along with some sea salt and agave.   Oh.   I don’t have an appliance that is capable of grinding the nibs into a fine powder, but I could buy the powder online.  So I did.

I made my second attempt several weeks later.  The second was somewhat more successful that then first.  I actually made something that looked and tasted like real chocolate.  I spooned the mixture into candy molds and froze them as directed.  The only problem – I couldn’t get them out of the molds in one piece!  So to eat the chocolate I had to use a spoon to dig the chocolate out of the molds.  Oh well!  They still tasted good!  What I learned from this experience is to leave chocolate making to chocolate makers.  I may make a third attempt sometime in the future, but in the mean time I found a recipe for something called Chewy Chocolate Freezer Fudge.  It comes from a Raw Food cookbook called Raw Food Real World, written by Matthew Kenney and Sarma Melngailis.  It uses raw cacao and raw almond butter and it is absolutely out of this world!  I have found it to be the only chocolate and really the only desert I will ever need.

Foods that I cannot eat raw. 

Cucumbers don’t really agree with me either, but my response isn’t that pronounced.

My IBS has been under control since March 2009, thanks in no small part to the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.  While attending school, I was given a lot of practical advice that finally allowed me to regulate my system.  IBS comes in two varieties: chronic constipation or chronic diarrhea.  It is both a physiological and an emotional disorder.   In my opinion, the manifestation of IBS (i.e. constipation or diarrhea) is a function of how the individual deals with stress.  I tend to turn stress inward, and therefore tend toward constipation.  The opposite would be true of an extrovert.  I have no clinical support for my supposition; it’s just want I’ve noticed through observation of clients and myself.

Many times men and women suffering from IBS (most IBS sufferers are women) have trouble digesting raw vegetables.  It’s usually different for different people.  My mother has mentioned problems with raw peppers, but I have no trouble digesting them.  As I mentioned previously, I have difficulty with onions, scallions, shallots, and garlic.  I was reminded of this difficulty several weeks ago while dining with my husband at a cute little BYOB in Margate.  We both ordered the hanger steak, which came garnished with baby carrots and shallots.  Even though raw shallots wreak havoc on my system, I love them cooked.  And cooked onions are one of my favorite foods, especially caramelized onions.  Yum.  The steak was absolutely delicious.  It came garnished with two shallots, they both looked cooked and the first one was.  I guess the chef didn’t leave the second in the pan long enough though.  I took a bite and felt the heat in my mouth that can only come from a raw member of the Allium genus of plants.  Uh-oh.  I should have run to the bathroom and spit it out or spit it in my napkin!  But I guess I was trying to be refined or something so I chewed and swallowed.  Big mistake.  I made it through dessert before my stomach started to churn and by the time the check came I was nearly doubled over in pain. 

My husband would have liked to finish the bottle of wine we brought for dinner but no-way.  I told him to cork it.  We needed to be on our way.  We planned to go out that evening, and I was really looking forward to it too.  Margate has a bar/restaurant called “Sophia” that we like.  They have live music on the weekends; it’s a very nice time.  No nice time for me that night though, my large intestine was in control now!  I spent the rest of the evening on the couch in my sweat pants with my knees pressed against my chest.  

What I have learned from my own personal laboratory (my body) is that certain dietary elements (in my case oatmeal and water) really help my condition and others (just to mention a few – raw onions, scallions, shallots, and garlic) exacerbate it.  The key for any IBS sufferer is to through trial, error, and extreme attention, determine what does and does not work for them.

On of the worst attacks of my life occurred the second or third weekend of classes while attending the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN).  My stomach started to hurt during the day on Saturday.  I don’t remember what I ate, but I know I never slept well on class weekends.  I usually awoke at 4:00 AM to workout, shower, eat breakfast, and leave by 6:00 AM.  Save two weekends, I made the commute back and forth both days.  I had a recurring nightmare that I overslept, either didn’t pick my friends up on time or wasn’t ready when they came to get me, missed the train, and ultimately was late for class.  It didn’t make for a very restful night. 

Anyway, my stomach already hurt by the time I returned home from school on Saturday, roughly 7:00 PM.  I ate something small and went to bed immediately.  My alarm sounded at 4 o’clock the following morning and my stomach felt like a pool of acid.  I was willing to forgo exercise for an extra 30 minutes of sleep, but I was afraid that I would oversleep if I went back to bed.  So I got up and went on the treadmill; oftentimes exercise helps my stomach if I’m having an attack.  This time was no different.  I felt passable by the time I was done my walk, and so I thought that I would be ok to eat breakfast.  I was wrong.  I think I had a couple slices of ham and a piece of fruit.  In retrospect, I would have been much better off with dry toast, but this was a case of listening to what my head wanted rather than what my body needed. 

A classmate picked me and another girlfriend up for school at about 6:00AM and we were off to the Hamilton Train Station in New Jersey.  Before I left, I asked my husband if he would be available to pick me up from the train station because there was a chance I would have to come home early.  I knew this wasn’t going to be a good day.  He suggested that I stay home from school, but I really didn’t think that was a good option.

The cramping started to worsen as we drove up.  I’m one of those “suffer in silence types.”  I don’t like to admit weakness, sick or otherwise in front of anyone that I am not entirely comfortable with. It’s a short list.  So I kept quiet on the ride up.  I did mention that there was a chance that I would be going home early because my stomach hurt, but I didn’t elaborate on the excruciating pain I was in.

At the Hamilton Train Station, my travel companions and I met the rest of our friends, also attending IIN.  In all, we were a group of about 10 or so.  We boarded the train at 7:05 AM for the hour and thirty commute to Penn Station.  Once we were on the train, I took my seat, closed my eyes, and made the decision to try to keep to myself.  My pain was steadily worsening, and tears began to stream down my face.  So much for being discreet.  We were always chatty bunch, so it took a couple of minutes for anyone to notice, but soon after we boarded one of my friends turned to look at me and exclaimed, “Melissa what’s wrong?!”  I explained that I was having a spasm and was in a lot of pain, but I didn’t want to miss class.  I can count on one hand the number of classes I missed in 4 years of college. And even then, I had another obligation and prior approval from the professor.  I rarely miss anything due to illness – school, work, or otherwise.  It’s just not my way.  And it’s not because I’m such a wonderful person; I just don’t like to admit that anything can stop me.

I finally came to my senses and at the urging of my friends, I got off the train at Metuchen, NJ.  I caught the next train going back to Hamilton, and Sean picked me up.  I spent the rest of the day resting, but made the decision that starting tomorrow I was going to figure this whole thing out.  I was done being at the mercy of my large intestine.

On top of the work stress, during the summer of 2008, my husband’s business was failing.  And my dog Prancer, who was now 18 years old, who had been with me for the past 9 years, (since my poppop passed away), and who was the last link to my grandparents, was dying.  I felt like my ship was sinking.

I couldn’t take it.

There were times during that summer that I wanted to throw up.  Plenty of them.  By that point I was far enough along in my recovery that I could talk myself out of it though.  I am very thankful for that.  I also considered taking anti-depressants…I didn’t.  I think it was really a time issue more than anything else.  As in I didn’t feel that I had time to go to go see a psychiatrist and get the prescription.  So my solution was to take Ambien, every single night.  And on nights that one didn’t seem to do it, I took two.  I wrote earlier about falling on a piece of cracked pavement while running.  I’m pretty sure that Ambien was to blame for my accident.  I took two the night before, and I think I was still under the influence of the drug when I went on my run.  I felt like if I could just get enough sleep, I could get through the summer in one piece.

And when busy season came to a close, I began to seriously evaluate what I was doing with my life. 

Did I really want to abuse myself like this?   Did I want to be forced to take sleeping pills in order to function?  Did I want to continue down a road where I would inevitably miss dinners and birthdays with my husband?  Did I want to stay in a profession where someone else would be raising the children I one day wanted to have? 

Very simply…No, I didn’t.

I’ve always had an extreme desire to help people eat better and lead happier more fulfilling lives.  Ultimately, I found and enrolled at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.  And now that is what I do.

In the meantime, my husband closed his business, but had the good fortune to be hired by one of his clients.  His new job gave me the leverage to quit my job at KPMG and focus on my new path full time.  I am so thankful to be where I am today.  I truly enjoy my life and my profession.

When I left KPMG, my insomnia went away completely.   I slept soundly through the night without even taking melatonin, let alone Ambien.  It was great!  I think that the stress poured out of me like a waterfall until there was nothing left.  Life was so much different than it had been and in a good way.  I was meeting new people and trying new things.  Deadlines were virtually non-existent, and I had no stress.

It didn’t last long; within 3 or 4 months my insomnia started to come back.  And it came back for the same reason that diets inevitably fail.   When most people go on a diet, they exist within a bubble.  They read the instructions and follow the plan to the letter.  They skip dinners with friends and birthday cake and Friday nights out.  The diet works because they are insulating their new eating habit from the rest of their life.  And when their life starts to demand attention again, the new diet folds and they revert to their old eating habits.  They didn’t address the underlying problem, and neither did I.

I read that on a poster once.

It’s cliché, but true nonetheless.  I have come a long way in the past 4 years, but there is still more work to be done.  There always will be.  That is one of the truly special things about life; there are always new things to learn and new ways to improve.

My new struggle is sleep.  I’m not alone.  Fifty percent of adults have insomnia on occasion.[1]

Actually this challenge is not new; sleep has always been a bit elusive.  I remember having insomnia as a teenager, but not well enough to recall specific experiences. I do remember taking melatonin in high school and college though, so I know I must have had some trouble falling and staying asleep.  As far as I remember, melatonin was enough for me back then. 

When I worked for PriceWaterhouseCoopers as an auditor, I had no trouble sleeping at all.  I find this amazing.  During our busy season, I arrived at work around 8:30AM and did not get home until 9 or 10 o’clock in the evening.  I went straight to bed after tending to my dog and each night I was asleep within minutes, only to wake up the following morning at 4AM and do it all again.   I still don’t understand how I did that.  Well, maybe I do…at least somewhat. 

I had no stress.  I was a first year associate, low man on the totem pole.  Yes, I was working ridiculous hours, but I wasn’t responsible for anything.  Work was given to me; I did it, waited for the next assignment, and hoped that I got to go home at a reasonable time.

My current sleep problems started about a year and a half ago, March 2008.  I was working for KPMG at the time in their tax department.  There was some conjecture regarding how chargeable my particular group was, which simply meant that those in a position of authority didn’t think my group was working enough relative to the rest of the tax practice. Periodically, we got a call from the Managing Partner’s administrative assistant inquiring as to why our hours were low, and then we had to come up with an excuse. 

Maybe I’m alone in this, but it really really stressed me out.  The calls themselves were stressful because I constantly felt like I had to justify myself.  I was also concerned that I would get a bad review or worse that they would find something for me to do.  In other words, I would get stuck with a job that no one else wanted.  In the world of public accounting that is called good experience.  It took me almost a year to make the connection between those calls and my insomnia.  But that’s when and why it all started.

In response to the work-related anxiety and what was becoming chronic insomnia, I started taking Ambien.  I didn’t like the idea of taking it, but I really felt I had no choice.  I couldn’t sleep.  Sometimes I couldn’t fall asleep, others I would fall asleep only to be wide wake at 2 or 3 in the morning.  I stopped taking Ambien when I was on my honeymoon, but I had to start taking it again when I came back to work.  Then it was my busy season, no more calls from the Managing Partner’s administrative assistant, just constant stress.